Ode to the Seniors

Now the time is come, the year is done.

And our seniors have but one debate before off they run

Yet I am here with a pun on my tongue and a rhyme in my eye

To roast the seniors – and this is no lie!


First Chancellor Ringwald, our social justice queen

Whose rhetoric makes all the white males green

While her love for mathematical fomulae

Leaves the floor with no reply


Yet our second Chancellor, Mr. Whelan is always ready to take a bite

Into any debate or shoulder (hello Ms. Haag), and then run into the night

Swaddled in naught but the Union Jack

His love for the Constitution has no lack


As Mr. Willis drily presides in his Texan drawl

This former Veep can make any member fall

Soundly asleep! Yet his cogent analysis

Next year, will mostly likely be sorely amiss

Tho’ I will never understand why

He doesn’t own more than one tie


Need a hipster brew with side of DC politicking?

Mr. Kleinman’s your man – he’s prepared to get into the ring

To  eviscerate a straw man on the floor

If you’re a gentrifier, he’ll show you the door


And Mr. Musgrave, the Society’s chief conservative

Who tells it straight like a true Indiana native

A more proud American you wouldn’t find

With such a fine historical mind


But to Ms. Kurek, what truly matters is tech

And despite our attempts to keep this Russiophone in check

Our former Sergeant is now working in consulting

Her soul has a high price – I don’t mean to be insulting!


It oft seems that Ms. Grace has graduated early

As her career in politics reveals that surely

Chances far beyond the Philodemic await her

Tho’ no one would forget her feminism as it were


While Ms. Hernick is always ready to bring in econ

I’m afraid the rest of us tremble at any graphs being drawn

As for her clarity on moral responsibility

Logical stances are definitely not the Philodemic’s cup of tea


And now from one amanuensis to another – Mr. Schafer

One never to dispute the sacredness of a wafer

A lawyer’s mind and a Catholic’s heart

Whose speeches are more sermon than art


But Mr. Graff knows there is more truth in a zen homily

Than dreamt of in Western philosophy

This mensch is never one to make a serious speech

Good luck in Japan trying to teach!


Mr. Hallisey will never say no to brunch

But as to his politics, I must say I have a hunch

This American guy would not fall for European agitprop.

Capitalism always looks better from the top!


Ms. Burke is our resident philosopher pervert

Yet her speeches – they’re a work of art!

No Gods too high, no subjects too low

With her Sergeant’s staff – down in one blow!


Her partner in crime, Ms. Aleman throws a sick rager

To fête the Philodemic, we owe this IPOL major

A big thanks, or else we’d be sunk

But I will say, it’s a bit hard for her to speak when she’s drunk


Yet Mr. Zawora will always be cool and collected

Even though science is a subject we’ve long neglected

He’s prepared to use his rationality

Which is far outside the Philo mentality


And Mr. Shaughnessy wows with his factual mastery

For honor’s sake, he’s a rhetorical factory

Yet for all his contrasting proofs and lexical wizardry

He’ll staunchly defend your intellectual liberty


On the contrary, Mr. Laposata is an ardent Democrat

He’s a policy guy, no philosophy for this cat

A Passionate speaker, he’ll debate the contentious

But his tastes, I must say, are somewhat pretentious


Oh Mr. Desai, not yet a member

But one we’ll surely remember!


Mr. Barnes knows international politics

Or at least what’s learned in the IRC mix.

And now he’ll be working at Deloitte

What a great connection for me to exploit!


Now, Mr. Fernandez, long time attendee and a new member

Hard to believe he was only inducted in December

Oh Jeremiah, with your pleas for emotional honesty

Tho’ we sometimes find it hard to know if he speaks ironically


Mr. Muran, Lastly joined, certainly not least,

He’s what we’ve always needed, a resident priest!

Tho’ we may jest, his literary mind is surely valued

He speaks so clearly, he’ll not be misconstrued.


Mr. White, you haven’t been around.

And to describe you, I can’t find a single noun.

Ms.’s Pennington, Blakeway-Phillips, Mastrykova, and Caceres haven’t been here a day

Like Mr.s Walker and Giles, so I don’t know what the F to say


Mr. Hunt-Smith and Mr. Rosenberger and Mr. Hughes

Have for a long time not paid their dues

Like Mr. Dineen, this ode has gone on far too long,

What do you know, typical senior swan song


Soon the class of 2016 will no longer grace our debate

And so one word of advice, I hope it’s not too late

As you go off into reality, what you’ve built stays

Despite all my jibes, all I can find is praise

So, to our dashing, quarreling, passionate seniors

Good luck, and ELD!



Garrett Hinck

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