Now the time is come, the year is done.
And our seniors have but one debate before off they run
Yet I am here with a pun on my tongue and a rhyme in my eye
To roast the seniors – and this is no lie!
First Chancellor Ringwald, our social justice queen
Whose rhetoric makes all the white males green
While her love for mathematical fomulae
Leaves the floor with no reply
Yet our second Chancellor, Mr. Whelan is always ready to take a bite
Into any debate or shoulder (hello Ms. Haag), and then run into the night
Swaddled in naught but the Union Jack
His love for the Constitution has no lack
As Mr. Willis drily presides in his Texan drawl
This former Veep can make any member fall
Soundly asleep! Yet his cogent analysis
Next year, will mostly likely be sorely amiss
Tho’ I will never understand why
He doesn’t own more than one tie
Need a hipster brew with side of DC politicking?
Mr. Kleinman’s your man – he’s prepared to get into the ring
To eviscerate a straw man on the floor
If you’re a gentrifier, he’ll show you the door
And Mr. Musgrave, the Society’s chief conservative
Who tells it straight like a true Indiana native
A more proud American you wouldn’t find
With such a fine historical mind
But to Ms. Kurek, what truly matters is tech
And despite our attempts to keep this Russiophone in check
Our former Sergeant is now working in consulting
Her soul has a high price – I don’t mean to be insulting!
It oft seems that Ms. Grace has graduated early
As her career in politics reveals that surely
Chances far beyond the Philodemic await her
Tho’ no one would forget her feminism as it were
While Ms. Hernick is always ready to bring in econ
I’m afraid the rest of us tremble at any graphs being drawn
As for her clarity on moral responsibility
Logical stances are definitely not the Philodemic’s cup of tea
And now from one amanuensis to another – Mr. Schafer
One never to dispute the sacredness of a wafer
A lawyer’s mind and a Catholic’s heart
Whose speeches are more sermon than art
But Mr. Graff knows there is more truth in a zen homily
Than dreamt of in Western philosophy
This mensch is never one to make a serious speech
Good luck in Japan trying to teach!
Mr. Hallisey will never say no to brunch
But as to his politics, I must say I have a hunch
This American guy would not fall for European agitprop.
Capitalism always looks better from the top!
Ms. Burke is our resident philosopher pervert
Yet her speeches – they’re a work of art!
No Gods too high, no subjects too low
With her Sergeant’s staff – down in one blow!
Her partner in crime, Ms. Aleman throws a sick rager
To fête the Philodemic, we owe this IPOL major
A big thanks, or else we’d be sunk
But I will say, it’s a bit hard for her to speak when she’s drunk
Yet Mr. Zawora will always be cool and collected
Even though science is a subject we’ve long neglected
He’s prepared to use his rationality
Which is far outside the Philo mentality
And Mr. Shaughnessy wows with his factual mastery
For honor’s sake, he’s a rhetorical factory
Yet for all his contrasting proofs and lexical wizardry
He’ll staunchly defend your intellectual liberty
On the contrary, Mr. Laposata is an ardent Democrat
He’s a policy guy, no philosophy for this cat
A Passionate speaker, he’ll debate the contentious
But his tastes, I must say, are somewhat pretentious
Oh Mr. Desai, not yet a member
But one we’ll surely remember!
Mr. Barnes knows international politics
Or at least what’s learned in the IRC mix.
And now he’ll be working at Deloitte
What a great connection for me to exploit!
Now, Mr. Fernandez, long time attendee and a new member
Hard to believe he was only inducted in December
Oh Jeremiah, with your pleas for emotional honesty
Tho’ we sometimes find it hard to know if he speaks ironically
Mr. Muran, Lastly joined, certainly not least,
He’s what we’ve always needed, a resident priest!
Tho’ we may jest, his literary mind is surely valued
He speaks so clearly, he’ll not be misconstrued.
Mr. White, you haven’t been around.
And to describe you, I can’t find a single noun.
Ms.’s Pennington, Blakeway-Phillips, Mastrykova, and Caceres haven’t been here a day
Like Mr.s Walker and Giles, so I don’t know what the F to say
Mr. Hunt-Smith and Mr. Rosenberger and Mr. Hughes
Have for a long time not paid their dues
Like Mr. Dineen, this ode has gone on far too long,
What do you know, typical senior swan song
Soon the class of 2016 will no longer grace our debate
And so one word of advice, I hope it’s not too late
As you go off into reality, what you’ve built stays
Despite all my jibes, all I can find is praise
So, to our dashing, quarreling, passionate seniors
Good luck, and ELD!