Member Spotlight: Ashley Burke

Personal Profiles

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During my weekly RHO shift with Ms. Ashley Burke, I interviewed her with the help of Vice President Wilson. We now proudly present a Member Spotlight!

Tell me about your mysterious past.

You’ll never know!

Well you’re on a high horse then aren’t you.

I was! I actually fell off my high horse and lost all my memories. That’s why I can’t tell you about my past.

Okay, I can see I won’t get much out of this line of questioning.

That’s right.

Alright on the subject of horses, I understand that you ride them?

Yes.

Why on Earth would you do that?

Well, I’ve ridden horses since I was two, so it wasn’t really a willing choice. And I’ve been doing it ever since. Also riding horses is fun!

Why is it fun?

It’s fun bending the will of a several ton animal to do your bidding.

Interesting. Now, I understand that you’re from Vermont.

I am.

Tell me about the Green Mountain State.

Well, there are lots of trees, lots of mountains, and lots of cows. It’s nice and nature-eey. Vermonters are great people, very alternative. We have our fair share of druggie hipsters, but there are normal people too. It’s a fun place!

So let me ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind. On Facebook, you’re Nora Barnacle. Why?

I f@#$%!g love explaining this! For a while, I’ve been obsessed with James Joyce. He’s such a great author, but people don’t know that his personal life was even crazier than his books. For years, he had a sultry and intimate affair with a woman called Nora Barnacle. He wrote dirty letters to her and she responded with even dirtier ones.

How dirty?

Really dirty. Kinky. When they were written they were blasphemous. Now they’re just shocking.

So do you consider yourself a blasphemer?

Yes.

Err, let’s move on to some questions about Philodemic. Who has been a model speaker for you during your time in Philodemic?

That’s a tough one. Warren for sure, also Pat Spags.

(Warren interjects: “Aw, shucks. Thanks Ashley.”)

What is your favorite thing about Philodemic?

Elaine Paige

The friends, for sure. For better or for worse, I spend most of my time with people in the Society. Philodemicians are nice people – Wait! That’s not true, Philodemicians are interesting people.

Alright, what do you think of Elaine Paige?

She’s a person that exists in the census records somewhere.

Okay wait it was supposed to be Ellen Page. What do you think of her? People say you look like her.

I think she’s amazing! I wish I were a lesbian, just so I could be more like her!

(Warren says to me: “As your Vice President, I command you to write that down.”)

Will do Warren! Also, should we ask her about the coup? Yes? Okay.

Warren wants to know if you will help us with our coup to overthrow President DiMisa. Can we count on you?

No you cannot! I am too much of a loose cannon. My marketable skills are lack of conscience and ownership of weapons.

Dang, you would have been a great mole in the PhiloSoph. Hey, are you playing Second Life right now?

No! I’m offended you would even ask. I’m playing SIMS. Sims is way better.

(At this point UPS arrives with a cartful of packages)

Well I have to go. Have fun with your sadness guys!

ELD,

Michael Whelan

Amanuensis Emeritus

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