All We Want for Christmas is Andrew Marsh

Weekly Debates

It is with great sadness that I will be making my last post as amanuensis. However, I am happy that my last post is on the delightful annual Christmas debate.

We discussed Resolved: All I want for Christmas is you. Mr. Carter, making his induction, told us all what the true meaning of Christmas is: Jesus Christ. By affirming, we would be supporting peace on Earth and love for all. He warned us of the dangers of the materialist ways that we have as 150 million participated in Black Friday and recommended that time could spent on things like volunteering or watching a movie. He concluded by asking us to celebrate the birth of our baby Savior as he is adorable and will eventually turn water into wine. After Mr. Carter’s speech, the keynoters proceeded to give a rendition of Mean Girls’ Jingle Bell Rock dance. Mr. Willis, also making his induction, began by warning us of the attacks on Christmas by the comminazi-liberals who are trying to replace our favorite holiday with coming together. He urged us to return to our traditional values that include elevating Rand to the Trinity and warning against the socialist conspiracy of the affirmation. It is not Christmas when giving up gifts for others and asked when we have really cared about the true meaning of anything. Mr. Willis closed by saying that we are negating our forefathers as they fought to make Christmas a mega-holiday and only communists will affirm. Ms. Melendez, while recognizing that the affirmation is angels and Jesus, argued that the reason we want stuff is to lure someone (you) in. She explained that this is the reason peacocks have feathers and explained Freud’s id to show the desires we have for you. She concluded that even if we haven’t gotten a you yet we are still striving to get one. Ms. Muldavin told of how she asked various Philodemicians what they wanted for Christmas; Mr. Prindiville wanted for happiness and safety for his family. Ms. Olivia Huppman desired a certain Doctor Who loving sergeant-at-arms … a certain Doctor Who loving sergeant-at-arms desired pink flamingo law ornaments. The Philodemic Goddess of Love, Ms. Smith, wanted a hot boyfriend or a bottle of champagne while Mr. Quinn desired all of the women in the Philodemic Society in his bed. President Marsh wanted the perfect hairstyle as shown by the many pictures of his various hairstyles on Facebook. Ms. Muldavin concluded by saying that no one said you as without Christmas there is not you, and she wanted family, friends, and Philodemic. The ladies of the Philodemic Society proceeded to start dancing throughout Riggs Library to “All I want for Christmas is you”.

Ms. Coccia began the floor portion by arguing that being alone is sad and that there should be a you. Mr. Spagnuolo told of his weakness for Mediterranean and half Jewish people, specifically his mentee Mr. Carter, and that all he wants for Christmas is the Copley bench to be engraved with his name. Mr. Petallides used his speaking time to Skype in Mr. Stromeyer from across the pond to thank President Marsh. Mr. Quinn wanted to clarify that Ms. Muldavin made up his Christmas wish as he only wants one special someone: President Marsh. Mr. Prindiville spoke of how he was going to stroke Mr. Dulike out of the closet; liberal closet to be specific. Mr. Donovan wanted more than President Marsh; he wanted another Philodemic semester. Vice President Arber used his time to show that the seniors are proof that everyone has a you and I in there Philodemic life whether it be President Marsh’s inductees or Mr. Donovan’s Penn librarian. Mr. Soper, returning to the Society, specified that unchecked capitalism is what sets this holiday apart from all of the others. Olivia Huppman (COL ’15) wanted the whole Philodemic Society and also read a lovely poem written by Ms. Correia and Ms. Christensen that was for mature audiences only showing that she and Mr. Petallides truly belong together. Anna Hernick (SFS ’16) clarified that Christmas is actually about food especially cookies and candy and no Leo’s. Josh Weiner (COL ’15) argued for an abstention as he demonstrated that all three paths for voting lead to the Jewish people. Laura Kurek (SFS ’16) did not want President Marsh as she proceeded to sing a duet with dance with Madeleine Ringwald (COL ’16) to “Baby, it’s Cold Outside”.

Ms. Seigler clarified between want and need and said that she needed her mentor President Marsh and sat on his lap; as a result, Mr. Petallides carried her out. Mr. Edgar told of the atrocities that are being committed against the elves and reindeer. Mr. Wilson gave a heartwarming speech, which included a hug, where he talked about he loved his roommate Mr. Edgar despite his annoying freshman philosophy student ways. Mr. Snow surprised many in the Society by giving a serious speech about how the Society is everyone as there is not just one person. He ended by saying to affirm is to negate a whole Society orgy. Chancellor Iacono talked of the great change that we have undergone as a Society and congratulated the Society. Ms. Smith told of how she showed up late to abuse seniority and called President Marsh the shiniest shiny thing in the room. Ms. Miller told of how the children she babysat actually desired their family for Christmas and not toys. Mr. Mazumder gave a sentimental speech about how he wanted all of us again after missing most of the semester. Ms. Regen talked about the great relationship she had with her mentor, President Marsh, and how he has made the Society into a family. Mr. Diasti told the story of his first Christmas which he called: The Muslim Boy’s First Christmas. Not only will this story be a classic Philodemic holiday tale, but it also ended with a gift for President Marsh: his boxers. President Marsh gave his speech to ask the Society not to thank him (we ignored him because of his fantastic year as president) but to celebrate us as we are what makes the Society, and we are a family. Ms. Murphy talked of how happy she was to serve under her great friend President Marsh and also sat in his lap. Mr. Petallides also carried her out. Ms. Carmona asked us to remember those who do not have gifts and told of her experience volunteering in Mexican orphanages. Ms. Wynter asked us to reflect on the semester and said that we can want President Marsh this night. Mr. Askonas used the bird lady from Home Alone II to demonstrate that we don’t want things; rather, we want each other and the Society.

Ms. Muldavin spent her keynote matching up each officer with a reindeer. I was Dasher, Vixen was Ms. Miller, Mr. Donovan was Dancer, Donner was Ms. Murphy, Prancer was Ms. Wynter, Vice President Arber was Comet, Cupid was Mr. Petallides, and finally Mr. Marsh was Blitzen. Ms. Melendez talked about the Philodemincest which occurs and told of how hard it is to find someone who has not partaken in it. She concluded by talking of the tension between you singular and you plural that occurs linguistically as there is no longer a difference between the two. Mr. Willis was going to talk about Soviet time machines but decided to give a sentimental speech where he explained why he only buys four people Christmas presents: his mom, dad, sister, and girlfriend. The reason is that it is so hard to find the perfect gift that he cannot spend time trying to find the perfect gift for more people. Mr. Carter began by telling of how his mentor told him that he was going to find a beautiful way to tie in baby Jesus. Mr. Carter argued that it is a time for waiting for a baby not born in the winter and that we should keep Christ and Christmas.

The Society voted 51-4-24 to affirm.

The Society inducted Mr. Willis and Mr. Carter! Huzzah!

I would like to thank the Society for allowing me to be the amanuensis, and for the last time:

Eloquentiam Libertati Devinctam,

Christopher Michael DiMisa

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