The Society gathered to joyfully discuss our Christmas resolution, “Resolved: The Elves must be liberated. (Elves of the world, Unite!)”
This joyful evening began with St. Nick Myers (SFS ’11) offered a Marxian analysis of the current Christmas economy, condemning Santa Claus as a State Capitalist. Mr. Scott Olmstead (COL ’11), making his final keynote as a Philodemician, brilliantly argued that elven Christmas presents are foundational to American morality and society. Inductee Mr. John Mitchell (COL ’13), after wittily razzing Mr. Dulik’s politics, drew our attention to the problem of elven trafficking, stating, “Mr. Claus, you’ve been placed on the naughty list!” Mr. Chris Stromeyer (SFS ’14), upon his induction, demonstrated the economic uniqueness of Christmas gifts as non-rival, non-scarce goods.
The floor debate was fantastic and joyous. Mr. Mike “The Grinch” Manchester questioned what was so wonderful about this time of the year. Miss. Emma Green inadvertently revealed Christmas’ secret puppetmasters (the Jews) and argued for her people’s benefit. Chancellor Randy Drew touchingly reminded us that “people find community in weird places,” arguing that the elves should be able to find community too. Mr. Matt Merighi pointed out that children’s morality relies entirely on incentives and that freeing the elves would undermine human morality itself. Mr. Henderson pointed out that elvish slavery relies partially on Santa’s use of the Eucharistic symbol of The Milk and The Cookies and called for the establishment of an autonomous elvish commune. In the end, the needs of humanity outweighed philosophical objections, and the Society negated the resolution 28-1-41.
The Philodemic Society wishes you a Happy Holidays!